I got this in an email some years ago, but found it printed out when I was unpacking some stuff. It makes me crack up, so I will post it here for posterity. Too bad I don't still have it saved, but it's funny enough to type out. I think my Uncle Eddie sent it to me!
Why the English language is hard to learn- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse any more refuse.
- We need to polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- On the head of the bass drum was painted a large bass.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object
- The invalid's insurance was invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- The seamstress and the sewer fell down into the sewer.
- To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing a tear in the painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend.
Let's face it, the English language is a mess.
Only in English can your nose run and your feet smell.
There is no egg in eggplant, or even ham in hamburger. Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins are not English, nor are French fries French. Sweetmeats are candies while sweet breads have meat in them!
Those who know English from birth take it for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groc, and hammers don't ham?
So the plural of tooth is teeth, right? Why isn't the plural of booth beeth? If there is one goose, and two geese, why aren't there one moose and two meese?
It's funny that you can make amends, but not one amend, and that you can comb through the annals of history, but not one single annal. If there are a bunch of odds and ends, and you get rid of all but one of them, what do you have?
If teachers taught, why don't preachers praut, or butchers butch? And is it freachers who are fraught? And really, if a vegetarian eats only vegetables, please tell me what a humanitarian eats?
Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. What other reason could there be for saying that people recite at a play, and play at a recital. Or ship cargo by truck and send cargo by ship. Or again, have noses that run and feet that smell.
How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing? And then a wise man and a wise guy mean the opposite? How can overlook and oversee be opposites?
How can weather be one day hot as hell and the next be cold as hell?
Have you noticed that we talk about some things only when they are not present? Like, have you ever seen a horseful carriage, or a strapful gown? What about a sung hero, or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable? And where are those people who ARE spring chickens or who would hurt a fly?
Who have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house both burns up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
People, not computers, invented English, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which is indeed not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when a light is out, it is not. And when I wind my watch I start it, but when I wind this post up I end it. Ahh.. Linguistics.
Whew, I typed that whole thing from a print out, I'm proud of myself. ^_^
Tags:
English,
email,
linguistics,
humor,
funny